One of the Uncommon Commons

So, I have five of them...the Uncommon Commons I call them. They're written out and posted above my workbench. Yep. They are the things that everyone should possess but don't and yet believe that they do and others don't. Follow me?

O.K. the most common uncommon common is this: "Well, that's just common sense!" Hmph, how many times have we heard that? Too many. You know what? It's not true. Common sense ISN'T!!! If it was, we wouldn't have to make the above statement. (I have removed it from my vocabulary completely). The Darwin awards are a perfect example of this. Some highlights from the most recent listings:

Hammer of Doom
(August 2006, Brazil) August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked--in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place.
14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now!

Want more..."One string short of a kite."
(19 March 2006, Belize) Benjamin Franklin reputedly flew his kite in a lightning storm, going on to discover that lightning equals electricity. However, certain precautions must be taken to avoid sudden electrocution. Kennon, 26, replicated the conditions of Ben Franklin's experiment, but without Ben's sensible safety precautions. Kennon was flying a kite with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire. The copper made contact with a high-tension line, sending a bolt of electrical lightning towards the man. Just bad luck? Kennon's father told listeners his son was an electrician, and "should have known better."

So, sadly, I feel I've made my case. For more, go check 'em out for yourself @ www.darwinawards.com

I don't know what to call this...

I hate having to use public restrooms. Even clean ones. They're fine in an emergency or when your bladder has reached super saturation level from holding it for hours, hoping to make it home. (Ladies, I feel really sorry for you...you don't have the benefit of a urinal).

Speaking of urinals, for crying out loud, why are there dudes who just can't seem to hit the target here. It's a friggin' huge porcelain wall-mounted basin hung at approximately the correct height. Missing would seem almost impossible. One would think. So why is it that when I have to pee at work, right in front of the urinal I always find a piddle puddle on the floor?! Look; it's not hard. You step-up. Lean in slightly and pee. Wait for the shake. Stuff the horse back in the barn and move on. Geez! (Again, my sympathies to all you ladies who have these piss-poor shooters as husbands / boyfriends).

Then, there's the stall & toilet. Eh. I found one at work that's always clean. (My company has an excellent janitorial staff). Even so, I use the handicap stall. It's usually cleaner than the rest. Yeah, yeah. Don't criticize me...I've scoped the floor out first. No handicapped people work here. It was installed for building code purposes...get over it. But I digress. I usually go at a certain timeframe. My body is punctual. But here's the thing: I want it quiet. I think there. Yes, think. Not deep thoughts but things like; who I need to telephone, what's for dinner, etc. Nothing disrupts this time of thought more than a guy coming in and squatting in the stall beside me. Yeah, I know, other people have to go. But why at the same time as I? Nevermind. So he's there, but does he have to be noisy? What's with the grunts & heavy sighs and the "ahhhhs," and the panting like giving birth? Then there's the bodily noises. Do you how distracting this all is to thought? Horribly! And then there's the few who ignore the "dude rules" and try to have a conversation. SHUT UP! It's not the place.

Today, I'm looking for a guy with brown shoes and black jeans. That's all I know to recognize of him. Any fella I meet today with whom I may shake hands, I'm checking his shoes and trousers first. Mr noir jeans failed to wash his hands after a dooky...a noisy fella he is as well. The utlimate worst: noisy crapper and unconcerned with hygiene. WTF people?!

It's Just Lacking

You know what I miss? I miss the ability to just give someone a big ol' slam the phone down hang up! Remember when phones had a receiver attached to the phones main body by a spiral cord? Rotary or push button, it didn't matter. The real appeal was if the person you were talking to annoyed you, you could just hang up on 'em. Yup, just SLAM that receiver right down. BAM!! Oh, and they knew they just got hung up on. There was no mistaking it. People around you knew it too...

With technology today, that distinct crash of the handset on receiver is a thing of the past. A dinosaur. A thing never to be experienced (as giver or recipient) by future generations. Like the 45 LP, it's a thing this generation hasn't a clue.

Just another reason I hate cell phones. Have you ever been frustrated & angry and try to "hang up" on someone with a cell phone? Kind of goes like this: "Oh YEAH?! Well I'm tired of YOU calling and I'm SICK of blah, blah, blah! I don't EVER want to SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN...."

Beep.

That's it. Non climactic. No slam. No crash of heavy plastic on plastic. No reverberating sound waves echoing through the house to broadcast to all that you are angry, annoyed, etc. and the person on the other end is lucky they weren't within arms reach. No, now it's just a brief pause in the boisterous volume of ones shouts to find the "end call" button, a press with the finger and beep. Eh, how boring. Or maybe you just "flip" the phone closed. Yeah, like that's a slam. NOT! The person you were screaming at can't distinguish between your vicious cell phone slam and a dropped call. They're on the other end going: "Hello. Hello. Are you still there?" In the good ol' days, there was no mistakin' a serious slam-the-phone-down hang up. Technology seriously lacks in some very important areas!